194 - waiting for the clouds to pass...xx

Saturday 13th July

There is never really much warning but once I see and feel the early signs there is an inevitability about it and I know I have to wait until the clouds pass and the blue sky reappears. 

Today began fine with the birdsong and the sunshine but in the shower I suddenly realised I couldn't feel the water hitting my body on my left side.  I am silly sometimes and today was one of those times because I decided to pretend I hadn't noticed the lack of sensation.  Getting dressed took longer than usual but I made it to the kitchen for breakfast.  I even ate breakfast and began to convince myself that all was well.  I went to stand up and suddenly, in a rush, all was not well.  My eye glazed and my head spun on its own axis and my feet had stopped working. 

I struggled back upstairs and lay down unable to move from that space for quite some time.  Now I am a dancer and, in my heart, I will always remain a dancer.  So to be lying there unable to control any part of my body is, to say the least, a little disappointing.  After that mandatory period of rest some sensation returned and I organised myself better.  Although my body had been in limbo my mind had continued to work and I remembered a Horizon programme that I wanted to watch. 

As I began to watch the programme the familiar sensation of pain began to take hold.  As my nervous system rebooted itself it wanted to show its complete objection to being shut down in the first place.  Instead of gently and calmly waking it began to transmit messages of extreme pain to my brain and I could feel my brain beginning to drown.  Still I watched the programme and still I focused on the stories unfolding.  They were stories that set little lights in my mind flickering and I smiled.  I smiled inside and I smiled outside. 

The Horizon programme centred on an aspiration that it is possible to 'change your mind'.  It is possible to convert a pessimistic mind into an optimistic one.  You will have to watch it to see the processes involved but one of them was meditation or mindfulness.  Hence my little lights.  So while experiencing the height of all pain my little lights continued to make me smile. 

Then some way through the programme I met a man called Andy Puddicombe.  Andy is an ex Buddhist monk who has given up that life in order to bring meditation to the masses.  Let us ignore the fact that he is gorgeous and focus on his simple truths.  He believes that even 10 minutes a day meditation can change your mind.  It can help to free it from anxiety and other strong negative emotions and it can also help with depression.  He has set up his own meditation business called Headspace and you can join him free for 10 days of mindfulness training.  I have joined and completed day 1.  As my experience with this man are explored through his website you feel, instinctively, that he has given this a great deal of thought. His training was in Tibetan Buddhism which is my journey as well but he has largely removed the meditation from that religious context and I think that is right.  Meditation needs no religious or cultural context but it does require practice and commitment. 

My day trundled on doing as many of the Saturday things that needed doing.  My body objected the whole time until I collapsed back into bed.  I was mindful of a simple animation that Andy shows on his site and he says 'you have to wait for the clouds to pass.'  After they have gone the blue sky will also reappear because it has been there all the time.  It is just above the dark clouds and somewhat out of reach for a while. 

My time with the dark clouds is all about the nervous system trying to shut down once again as sensation leaves my body.  I am missing keys on the keyboard and this is taking me ages to do.  I know what comes next.  My body will go into a deep sleep where it will stay for quite some time.  If I am lucky, when I wake, my nervous system will reboot in a pain free manner and all will be well.  If luck is not with me it will reboot with more pain than my brain can cope with and the cycle will begin again.  Whichever path it takes I will just be waiting for the clouds to pass and the blue sky to return.

Until tomorrow.  xx