Tuesday 17th December
This has been brewing for a while and it has finally moved from my subconscious into my conscious. I always know because Pete always knows and when he leaves for work he kisses me on the forehead. It is as if he knows that I am temporarily swept away by my thoughts. All my years of meditating mean that I sometimes have a very long and lingering walk in my subconscious but it doesn't always reach a state of consciousness. Today it did.
2013 has been a year filled with sadness and joy as they competed for position and I have an enormous amount to be thankful for. In 2014 I enter the year in which I will, hopefully, turn 50 and this has always been a big deal for me. I don't mean that I am caught up in the preoccupation about being 50 and officially middle aged as I am not motivated like that. I mean that I always planned for it to be a special year and a year in which I will reflect on how I reach 50. What has been my journey and what have I learned from it? Where might my journey take me next? These are life sized questions that I find myself already pondering.
For a while now I have known how complex my life has become and how full it is but my wanderings in my subconscious revealed that these are not good things. I have filled my life up with too many different strands that they have all become rather knotted. 2014 is, I feel, the year to untangle them but, as is my way, I have already started. The planning is well underway to radically reduce the number of strands by letting lots of things go. This is not an easy or comfortable concept but I think Pete knows that instinctively and the kiss on the forehead is to let me know that he understands.
Those that have known me for a long time will know that I am about to shed another skin. This shedding will be about simplifying how and why I live. I did an interesting exercise today when you write down 'what is my purpose in life?' You then start writing one word answers listing all the purposes you can think of. You keep going until you write something that draws up an intense emotional reaction. That might come early in your list but it might not and you keep going until it happens. My experience was interesting because I wrote 'parent' first with no reaction and then wrote a whole series of other purposes until I wrote the word 'mother' and then the world stopped.
This exercise helped to clarify what my subconscious wanderings had already revealed. I am finding myself stretched in too many different ways and this needs to be remedied. I am therefore going to use 2014 and my 50th watershed moment to do just that. I am letting as much go as I can while keeping my role as a mother wrapped around me as tightly as possible. I am using the concept of mother as I understand and own it as a guide and that includes my role in the lives of my four children, my relationship with Mother Earth and my passion for Scottish island mum. Beyond that I am gently untying lots of strands so that my year might be as productive as possible.
The overwhelming one is my passion for Scottish island mum as it has led me to work with some wonderful charities that are supporting mothers and their children who find themselves in desperate situations. I remain as committed as ever to this concept of mother. My role as a mother of my four children runs through the middle of me like a stick of rock and my relationship with Mother Earth has been secured on Hazelbank. I consider myself to be very fortunate indeed and my purpose in life is to be a mother.
So, those of you that follow Scottish island mum and all her various projects will see some major changes as these strands are untied and things are let go. It is never easy but I feel it is the perfect time in order to get back to my spiritual roots. I have already begun to leave quite a few projects and groups as quietly as possible and closing the door without a sound. There is still much to be done though and I live with the hope that people will understand and let me go.
Until tomorrow. xx
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