Day 334 - Beyond tired and beyond words. xx

Saturday 30th November

It was so worth all the hard work and both Angie and I are delighted with our sales for the day.  More importantly for us, Whimsical Willow was successfully launched and very well received by our customers.  Exhausted beyond words so I am not going to try and write tonight but knew you would want to see some pictures.  Will tell you all about Santa in his speed boat, reindeer and the festivities tomorrow. 

Until tomorrow.  xx

 

 

 

 

 

 

Day 333 - we were happy with the small fish.....xx

Friday 29th November

I have had some stupid ideas in my time but this has to top the lot.  Whatever made me think that Angie and I could swim with the big fish?  We were quite happy swimming around with the little guys.  The problem is my control button was broken years ago and now I just crash around my life thinking everything is possible.  And poor Angie has been caught up in as well.  She has been sewing at silly o'clock every night for weeks and I have woven and bound so much that my hands just won't work anymore. I am now at the stage where I can't find the scissors for the 100th time, the cat has hidden the ribbon and I dream of Christmas wreath making every night, all night. 

How I used to do all this all the time when we ran a wholesale gift business I will never know.  But I am properly certifiable.  That said, I am almost ready for the longest day of my life as we stand in a marquee in the middle of winter for almost 12 hours.  This really was an excellent idea.  Mind you it does rather remind me of the time when a lovely lady wanted me to the flowers for her wedding.  I quickly ascertained that this was a huge society wedding and spent weeks trying to talk her out of using me before giving in and then having to live with those consequences.  Let us hope the only consequences of tomorrow relate to lots and lots of sales.  Angie and I will be rocking up wearing at least 50 layers each to keep out the cold and lots of chocolate stashed in our pockets.  I am beginning to think this was, indeed, an excellent idea. 

The cat has been staring at me for days as if to say 'you are completely nuts' and I am sure she is right.  Sunday could well be the duvet day to end all duvet days and she will love this.  She will do her thing of stretching right out and a ridiculously stupid angle so as to take up most of the bed.  I will perch on the edge of the bed while covering myself with a postage stamp size of duvet.  She will smile before closing her eyes for the entire day.  There is a lot to look forward to on Sunday.

Once we hit December my agenda gets a make over to ensure that my family rise to the top and everything else has to settle somewhere below.  I love Christmas and spend lots of time with the children making each celebration as special as possible.  With our eldest now 21 you can never be sure of how many more we will celebrate all together.  We are not a family who goes mad on the shopping and we certainly don't wander around the supermarket with two trollies to fill in the week before Christmas.  That said we do like out traditions.  We don't touch a mince pie until 1st December (they will be joining me on my duvet Sunday), we leave or stockings outside our door for Father Christmas to fill and every year he gives the children a tangerine.  They never eat them but he gives them anyway. 

I may not believe in God but I do believe in family and use Christmas as a time to set us all up for the following year.  This is especially important when your children are older and their lives are that much more demanding.  Next year we should see our daughter graduate while the boys continue with their education from home.  We hope we shall see the beginnings of wedding flowers once more but this time growing most of our flowers and the further development of the willow crop.  So, Christmas as a family gives us time to just 'be' in each other's company and enjoy our family life. 

Molly will be home in a couple of weeks and the balance will be restored.  No one will see the TV remote for the duration of her stay, the cats and dogs will think it is Christmas every day while she is home and I will get to laugh at things that aren't really funny.  Perfect.  She usually sleeps for a few days and then the long walks begin followed by the perennial game of monopoly with warm mince pies and cream. 

This will be my cat's first Christmas so I am going to sew her her very own Christmas stocking and fill it with toys and treats.  She will still prefer Molly as soon as she steps over the threshold so I am going to have to do a lot better than that if I am to ensure some loyalty.  All the animals adore Molly so the pecking order is always most evident. 

So as November rolls into December we are into the final month for Scottish island mum.  And in that month she becomes more mum than anything else.  Just as it should be...

Until tomorrow.....keep everything crossed! xx

Day 332 - a humbling experience. xx

Thursday 28th November

There are experiences capable of humbling us all and I am blessed to have more than my fair share working with international charities.  But the humbling experience today grounded me right back in the centre of my family.  Home school was abandoned today so that we could all help with the cutting for the fresh wreaths.  Whimsical Wreaths has been a family business from conception and we are on the final run up to the official launch at Santa Sparkle on Saturday. 

All the greenery cut we then set about making up the products.  It was some way through the day when I realised the massive part that George has played in this venture.  He was in the 'team' that planted all the cuttings back in February and he was in the coppicing team as well.  He also helped with all the cutting early this morning and then he stood next to me the whole day while we made up the fresh wreaths.  But perhaps his greatest moment came when he was making the willow wreath bases a few days back.  George is a mathematician and he likes things to be precise so I wasn't sure how he would cope with making a rather organic willow wreath.  He astounded all of us but not only learning the skill very quickly but, within minutes, he was making the best wreaths.  The people who are fortunate enough to purchase one of his wreath bases this weekend will know exactly what I mean. 

George has never left my side.  He has worked solidly with me the whole time and he has, effortlessly, stepped into Harry's rather large shoes.  Harry works on an organic horticultural plot now so he has left a gap behind in our daily lives.  I hadn't realised just how well George had filled it.  Regular readers will know all about Harry's skills and so anyone trying to fill that gap has their work cut out.  So the fact that George has achieved this at just 16 is completely humbling and I could not be more proud.  All our children know how to work hard and have been doing so since they were old enough to do odd jobs round the house.  Now they are all capable of making a success at a new venture that began in the cold frosty February days and now all the boys know how to make wreaths with their first crop.  Molly is, of course, away at university but she is just as capable as the boys. 

So, I am proud of all my children but today is about acknowledging just how far George has come in a very short period of time.  I chatted to him about this day and asked if he might like to take on more responsibility on the smallholding.  He said that he would and so this will allow for greater growth next year.  We have more of Harry over the next few months as well so the two of them can work together.  How truly wonderful. 

So at 4.30pm on the Thursday before the launch all the fresh wreaths are done and it is such a relief.  We even managed a Christmas garland for the stand with the left over bits.  Tomorrow I have some finishing to do while the boys pack everything ready to go.  We certainly couldn't have worked any harder. 

After Saturday I have a wreath making demonstration to do on Wednesday evening, a final Christmas market the following Saturday and then a wreath making workshop in a couple of weeks.  I also have a shop patiently waiting to take some stock and Christmas flower orders starting to come in.  But that is all pretty manageable to I should be able to pace myself a little better.  Right now everything hurts and I feel beyond exhausted but I am sure it will all be worth it. 

Santa Sparkle is a big deal on the island with lots of activities including a dramatic firework display before a party in the evening.  We could well be there for 12 hours on Saturday but Angie will be there right by my side and Pete will be on hand to help.  Right now Angie and I have everything crossed.....

Until tomorrow.  xx

Day 331 - the wheels nearly came off. xx

Wednesday 27th November

Oh my goodness the wheels nearly came off Scottish island mum today.  A series of events today have required me to dig deep but they have also required me to stand up for what is right.  You kind of have to be in my shoes or my partner in crime Angie's shoes to know how it all felt.  We are both owners of small businesses who work incredibly hard to produce handcrafted products and this year we teamed up so that we could swim with the big fish.  On the whole the big fish don't make their products as they are into the buy to sell on arena.  I am not saying we are better than them or that they are better than us, but we are different.  So rocking up to the island's largest Christmas market does not require the same preparation.  I can't comment for them but I can say that Angie and I are both living on fumes such has been the effort to be ready.  Exhaustion doesn't even come close. 

So today we get an email from the event organisers informing us that because other exhibitors were not happy with their location in the marquee they have moved us out to the food tent complete with bar!  I don't think so.  There began a battle that took most of the day to conclude for us to be finally reinstated where we were originally placed.  This battle should never have taken place.  If other businesses were unhappy with their allocated space that is between them and the organisers.  It certainly should have involved us and the proposal that we should move out was completely outrageous.  This might seem a bit trivial to anyone reading this but for me it tugs at the heart of businesses.  There is a silent code of etiquette amongst small businesses and this was royally trashed this morning. 

You might feel that I should be happy to be reinstated to our original position.  I am happy about that but unhappy that this needed to occur at all.  Angie and I are both flat out to be ready for Saturday and the stress of the day has absolutely caught up with me.  There have been another couple of incidents during the day that have all added up to a tiresome day.  Stuff happens and I am absolutely fine now but it does remind me of the importance of standing up for the little people.  None of the island shops were removed from the gift marquee, just the two smallest companies who probably wouldn't mind.  That back fired then.

I like to think that I am an understanding and compassionate person who puts the needs of others before my own.  That said I am not a push over and I think that balance is important in life.  Angie and I want the event to be a success for everyone and would never dream of pushing others out of the way for our own benefits.  Fair play needed to be reinstated and it was but it has left its mark.  I don't mean that I will carry this forward because I make a point of never carrying the past into the present or even the future.  I just mean that I am completely shattered and the next two days will be a struggle now. 

Beyond the testing day I have now read the entire Scottish independence white paper and I will have lots to say about it.  My main response is one of disappointment.  The SNP have completely missed a massive opportunity to put together a document that spells out a vision that is based in aspirational thinking but grounded in pragmatic considerations.  Sadly this is a highly UK centric political document that is aimed at tactics to secure votes.  What a complete shame and I have rather lost heart in their campaign. 

I was hoping for a clear vision of an independent nation built on key and solid principles that placed Scotland into a new era.  Instead we got a list of changes they would 'propose' to make mainly in response to policies determined by Whitehall.  Huge mistake. 

Scotland as an independent nation in both the European and world context has huge potential but for that potential to be realised it must first frame the debate correctly.  If we are to take this drive for independence seriously we should be learning far more from other small nations who are successful and I touched on the obvious comparison with Finland yesterday.  Yes, we have to work out the intricacies of a new relationship with the rest of the UK but that is a secondary concern once we have outlined a clear and convincing vision that everyone can get excited about. 

It is not all doom and gloom because some of the financial model makes for interesting reading as does some of the defence section.  I can completely see the good sense in a lot of that.  You can't help feeling that different people wrote this document and some people got their bits right while others missed the mark completely.  You will not be surprised that I am most disappointed with the education chapter.  Somewhere along the line the SNP have confused education with childcare and they therefore lead their education strategy with continual references to improved childcare.  They then pretty much skip compulsory education and flit into university and the need to preserve free university education in Scotland for Scottish residents.  These are both good examples of vote pullers and this strategy does nothing to convince me that they understand the tensions and debates about traditional schooling models in Scotland. 

The emphasis on reforms of the welfare system is about vote pulling as well.  I am more interested in finding out how Scotland is going to compete on the global market.  Finland had Nokia for a good while and not it has its 'angry birds'.......

Above all I felt it was a document written by the SNP for the SNP and they had become blinkered to the agenda beyond their own politics.  That is party politics for you.  In recent days I have seen an American teenage give a ball busting speech in the TED foundation about his own version of education, another American teenager rant about what makes good education making some excellent points and heard all about a country of five million people that punches well above its weight on the global stage.  The white paper is a poor fourth in this competition to impress and I now fear the worse for the campaign.  I understand that it is a paper that can launch some critical debates between now and September 2014.  All I would say to the SNP is that you better start polishing up your debating skills or your campaign is well and truly over.  Goodness I need a lie down. 

Until tomorrow.  xx

Day 330 - Scottish island mum begins to interrogate. xx

Tuesday 26th November

Do you think I might have been waiting until nearer the end of this project before I stirred it up a bit by getting involved in politics?  I may have, although not consciously.  Yesterday was a day of revisiting for me of old debates and concerns about our education system in the UK.  After I posted I waited for the backlash but it never came.  Instead came a flood of emails pretty much in agreement with the views I expressed. 

Today I have had a very busy day continuing my quest to be ready for the island's largest Christmas market but I have also been taking time out to begin the review of the Scottish independent white paper.  Scottish island mum has officially been asked for her view which is, of course, slightly bonkers.  But we do bonkers well so I should not be totally surprised.  I have run this review alongside a programme aired last night on BBC 2 called 'Our friends in the north.'  I had touched on Scandinavian countries in my post yesterday when I held their education system up as far superior to ours.  There is no doubt that is the case as the results couldn't be clearer. If you are interested in how this is achieved you should watch this programme.  The Finnish schools, in particular score very high as world leaders.  The Finish children are the best educated children in the world.  They do not start school until they are 7 years old and they only sit formal exams at 16.  They have none of the pressures of UK children.  They also only operate mixed ability classes believing that all abilities benefit from being taught together.  We, on the other hand, force our children into overcrowded classes at 4 years old before testing them far too often throughout their schooling and like nothing better than to segregate children by ability sealing a sense of difference.

But these are not just principles held in education.  Valuing everyone equally is something that spreads into wider society.  The Scandinavian countries have all had their fair share of challenging times but recent history sees them surviving a global economic crises far better than most.  That is mainly because they have learnt from their past mistakes but it is also because they know how to invest.  They invest in their children, they invest in their working mothers, they invest in their family units and they invest in their economy.  To achieve this they tax higher than we do but they use that revenue to invest in public services that everyone can enjoy.  People understand where their taxes are going.  I am quite sure it is not utopia but it is a lot closer than we have managed. 

A social historian makes an interesting point in the programme when her refers to the word orientation which means looking to the east.  In the UK we don't look to the east or the north for models to adopt we look west to the US.  The US is a completely different scenario than the UK.  Scotland has more in common with Finland with its 5 million people and relatively large landmass.  As I have begun my review of the white paper I am sorry to report that the points made, more often than not, lead to questions from me as the reader.  It should be providing answers not raising more questions. 

I am not ready to give a view on the paper as I have much more reading and digesting to do first.  What I would say though is it is obsessed with considering independence from the point of view of splitting with the rest of the UK.  Independence is much more than that and it should be aspirational as well as pragmatic.  In that context we should be measuring the debate by using other models with similar size populations as models to interrogate.  I can't help think we have missed an opportunity with just how the debate is framed let alone the content of that debate.  Why do we insist in viewing the world from a UK centric position when there is a whole world out there beyond our shores.  Maybe we are holding onto to the days of the British empire when we marched around the world declaring that we knew best. 

I am the ever optimist that is looking for solutions not moaning about problems so my review of the white paper will start from that premise.  I will also not be making my mind up on whether or not Scotland should become independent until I have interrogated the white paper and the debates that follow.  I had a wonderful email from a lovely lady who spent some time living in Finland.  She reads my blog almost every day and her advice is that Scottish island mum should write the much needed educational revolution manifesto and see what that stirs up.  Scottish island mum is not that bold but she is open to talking to other parents, teachers and young people who want to call time on our education system.  I fear it might mean ripping it all up and starting again but I am game if you are....

Until tomorrow.  xx

Day 329 - a bit cross really. xx

Monday 25th November

There are times in life when your day just 'speaks' to you and I have had one of those times today.  In one way or another I have been bound up in education issues almost all day so it is, perhaps, the most obvious thing to talk about.

It is true to say that I have very strong views about what makes a quality education and today I have been flung between excellent practice and very poor practice.  At this time of year I am often found supporting young people with their UCAS applications for university.  In the dozens I review I am still constantly amazed at the poor advice given to these young people.  The personal statement on the application is critical, yet so many young people get it wrong.  It is not their fault because this is all new to them but you would expect the teachers to be able to guide them.  Far too many students fall into the trap of simply listing their achievements and that is not what the universities are asking for.  They want the applicants to select their most meaningful achievements and experiences and make sense of them before mapping them into the courses they are applying for and beyond as they can.  This shows a degree of reflective, joined up thinking that is necessary for university life.   The UCAS statement is becoming symptomatic of our system of education as the students list every piece of achievement.  Achievement is not about quantity; it is always about quality.  The same mentality of listing achievements is applied to the number of GSCEs young people face.  Anything over 7 is simply ridiculous and I will never be convinced otherwise.  The pressure we are putting on our 15/16 year olds is shocking.  That said, the pressure we are putting on our 17/18 year olds is close to criminal. 

The obvious question is then how can this be happening.  The answer is quite complex but a lot of it can be blamed on successive governments interfering with something they know little about.  The autonomy of head teachers and teachers has been seriously eroded by ministers who do not have a clue.  Their only concern is how well we do compared to other countries and if we fall behind they need to change things.  The countries within the UK have seen more change in their educational systems over the past 30 years than any other country in Europe.  That speaks volumes.  Scotland is currently locked into debate about a divisive strategy on the introduction of the 'new' higher with some schools taking it on one year and others the following year.  Perfect. 

The interference of government is not the only problem though.  Schools have played their part in providing poor education from time to time.  Under no circumstances should a school send a letter home with a young child informing his parents that he is on an additional support scheme that started in August and the letter is only sent in November.  I am completely lost for words and it shows incompetence of the highest order.  It gets much worse than that though.  The letter outlines the individual learning programme using language that only teachers could possibly understand.  The obvious outcome is concerned parents who do not know what it means and how they might help their child. 

I have been involved in education my entire adult life having originally trained as a primary teacher before working in one of the toughest environments in inner London.  Eventually I moved on to teaching student teachers and then onto management in the university sector.  I continue to act as an education consultant.  This range and depth of experience is constantly called on from friends and family and I am always willing to help where I can.  So today I had the chance to help a lovely couple understand what they had been sent by the school and prepare for an interview with the teachers.  Let us just say that they left prepared for that interview and we shall take it from there.  The relevance of this case, however,  is a letter of that nature being sent home almost three months late. 

You only have to watch Educating Yorkshire to see examples of first class teaching so we know it exists.  But we do need to pause to look at the way training has changed.  I did a four year degree to train as a primary teacher and now I could do it in two terms if I was on the 'fast track' route.  Shocking.  Our children deserve much better than that and in the next breath you will find politicians complaining we are behind countries like Norway and Sweden.  In my view we will always be behind those countries because they really know how to invest in their young people and that includes free university education and higher paid teachers.  They also don't start formal learning activities until a child is 7, in most cases, whereas we start when children are 4.  It would appear that the educational research that proves children are not ready for formal education until they are 7 isn't relevant to British children. 

My last rant is about lazy teachers.  There are not that many but they do exist and they often like to hang out in secondary schools.  The worksheet that is supposed to reinforce prior learning has replaced the need to teach for the lazy teacher.  He/she can simply get one of the children to hand them around and then get their red pen ready for marking.  The really lazy teacher even gets the children to mark their own worksheet.   We use worksheets in home school and there is a place for them but we use them after we have engaged our children in stimulating learning activities and we feel the need for additional consolidation.  I was sent this video today of a young American student standing up for 'good teaching.'  He makes some excellent points but does suffer from being a little over aggressive.  I can excuse that.  What I can't excuse is that the teacher merely asks over and over again for him to leave the classroom.  Even the tone of her voice is lazy.  You really should watch the video if you have time.

At its best education is an engaging process of acquiring knowledge and skills that are understood to be relevant for life.  This process is supported by motivated children and an open dialogue between teachers and parents.  The outcome of this process is well motivated individuals with a real passion for learning as a life long endeavour.  I can see how the children in the school in Yorkshire achieve that so we absolutely know it is possible.  I am sad though that some of the problems are so big and deeply entrenched that an entire generation will be missing out on the very best education can offer them while they are chasing their 12th GCSE! And if they are not chasing their 12th GCSE there is something wrong with them.  I don't think so. 

Perhaps it is a time for a serious rethink where we create an education manifesto that teachers, children and parents can access and sign up to.  A manifesto that puts the child back at the centre of the process and where we all get behind ALL our children ALL of the time.  Where is it because I will sign it right now? 

Until tomorrow......when I will be less cross.  xx

Day 328 - One last big push. xx

Sunday 24th November

The cold weather continues as winter asserts itself on the island.  The smallholding takes on a different shape at this time of the year.  We have so many wooded areas and when all the leaves have left the trees the shapes etch a lovely landscape. The die back is well underway and the wildlife are all looking for places to keep warm.  I am looking forward to this time next week when our biggest Christmas market is behind us and we can pace ourselves a little more.  George, Max and I need to get on with our bird cakes and get into a better bird feeding routine.  There are lots of little jobs that need to get done and I am just not available to help at the moment. 

Wreath making is still dominating my days but all the dry ones are now finished and I have a few days break to get back to candle making and sewing.  I am thinking that Thursday and Friday will require a whole family effort if we are to be ready.  The children are so good at stepping up when required and there will be a lot of harvesting to be done in a relatively short period of time.  I am mindful of when we used to offer wedding flowers and that really required a whole family effort.  Harry and I would spend hours conditioning the flowers before tasks were established.  George and Max are excellent garland makers and Molly makes lovely corsages and buttonholes.  I am starting to think about who might like to work with me on wedding flowers next year.  I am hoping to train new people that have never worked professionally with flowers before.  That way we can stay true to our style which is so important.  Molly is talking about returning home for the summer next year to earn some money for her masters degree so it will be lovely if she can, once more, work with flowers. 

We are thinking all things weddings at the moment to be ready for January.  Pete and I are planning the area in front of my studio as a place for more raised beds for cut flowers.  It will be lovely to show clients the space and then to use the studio for the consultations.  Ultimately, we want to bring other wedding businesses up to Hazelbank so that they might see what we are doing.  Not all the suppliers that we will be working alongside will operate full time from the island.  We are, therefore, hoping to offer up the studio as a satellite space for off island wedding suppliers.  That way they have a good space to meet the clients.  2014 is really a year of introductions and establishing good working relationships.  When in Derbyshire we became the heart of 'green' weddings working with businesses and clients who were committed to a more sustainable wedding.  We would like to pick this up as we can next year and have already began talking to key people who have the shared commitment.  We can offer more than just the flowers as we did before.  We offer 'green' wedding favours such as wildflower seeds,  memory wreaths that capture the essence of the day and handcrafted gifts for bridesmaids and mother of the bride.  The intention is to establish a directory of wedding suppliers who share a commitment to sustainable weddings based on the island. 

Molly and I are encouraged with the lovely feedback on her potential student funder campaign.  Lots of emails suggesting that this is a good way forward for her.  Molly will bring a lot to the table and I think people will appreciate that.  I am going to co-author her blog while she completes her year 3 at university so that she is not over-stretched in such an important year.  I am so looking forward to working with her.  It is through Molly that I have developed a passion for birds and even insects.  I learn so much from her and I think that will be a critical element of her campaign.  Her ability to put together stories that entertain and educate is so impressive and if I co-author she can concentrate on that work while I take on the tasks that require continual updating. 

So, still lots going on and I am looking forward to things calming down a bit.  It is always such a busy month but then December is my enchanting month.  The focus is back on the family and preparing for our Christmas.  Making mince pies, home made decorations and handmade gifts for my friends makes December really enjoyable.   One final push to ensure that Whimsical Wreaths is ready for its launch on Saturday and then a long walk planned followed by the first mince pies of the year.  Lovely. 

Until tomorrow. xx

Day 327 - something is out of alignment. xx

Saturday 23rd November

Another very cold day on the island but with some welcome winter sunshine.  A busy day on the smallholding with Pete at home getting on with some overdue jobs.  You just have to accept that there is always more to be done when running a smallholding but it is good to see the raised beds being cleared ready for their winter mulch.  I have been making wreaths all day and I am sure I am getting slower.  I am a lot slower than I was a few years back but I also thinking that I am getting terribly fussy.  When you start cutting off individual hydrangea petals and spraying just the very middle gold you may be starting to lose it.  I am hoping that this attention to detail will be appreciated and translate into sales. 

The first batch of bases I made used binding wire to secure but as time progressed my weaving improved so there was no need for the wire.  You just know that I am now undoing the first batch to redo without the wire.  It is worth it though, at least that is what I am telling myself.  I am quite determined to get all the dried ones finished by the end of tomorrow so that the early part of next week can be back to candle making and sewing.  That will then leave Thursday and Friday for the fresh wreaths.  I always get nervous when I put a schedule together because invariably something comes along to drive a massive hole in it.  I prefer to move through tasks organically; allowing one task to suggest the next.  That method works fine when there are no deadlines. 

Yesterday was a tough day because more friends shared bad news and this was on top of friends sharing awful news earlier in the week.  Sometimes there is nothing you can say to help and I find that so sad.  That said, it is important to stay in touch with reality.  If there is nothing to say then staying quiet is sometimes the best way forward.  Bad news that arrives on top of bad news is very hard to bear and I am sure we have all had times like that in our lives.  I am a firm believer in letting the news sit for a while and allowing the mind to absorb it before even attempting to move forward.  Creating some space is never a bad thing as it allows us time and sometimes that is very important. 

I now have a ridiculously large proportion of my friends going through very demanding times so something is out of alignment.  I am also working very hard with a couple of international charities on projects in both Syria and the Philippines.  It is important for me to let all this go if I am to be of any use to anyone.  I use meditation now to get to sleep and in those precious few moments I let the sadness escape from my mind.  It allows me to sleep well and tackle the next day as I need to.

Photograph taken by David Newell.

One of my students on my meditation through writing course sent me a piece of writing she had done in response to one of my exercises.  I am always so pleased to receive writing and feel incredibly privileged.  This piece of writing stopped me in my tracks.  The quality was beyond question but the clarity spoke to me in a deeply convincing way.  Combining meditation and writing is, for me, such an exciting development and I am proud of my course.  The writings that have come in have convinced me that meditation has enabled the writer to delve far deeper and find new truths.  The next offering of the course will begin in late January or early February so if anyone is interested do drop me a wee message. 

I am currently working on putting together a batch of really good references and resources that I think you guys might enjoy in January when Scottish island mum goes a little quiet.  I use January every year as a month to look both backwards and forwards before identifying the priorities for the year ahead.  I plan to post these links in the final few days of this project in the hope that some you will find them useful. 

One soul many hearts has had a busy week and there are lots of new things for you to enjoy.  Kathy's tale of her trip to the US is now complete and available for you all to read.  More photographs have been added into the 'keeping it real' gallery and we also featured the work of a wonderful young artist. 

Next week Robyn and I will be pulling the December newsletter together so if you haven't yet subscribed just enter your email in the box on the home page and your newsletter will be delivered to your inbox automatically.  Please remember the site is running a theme of 'enchanting' for December so if you have anything you would like to share that makes a response to that them do get in contact. 

 

Photograph by Sasha Cookson

Our week has centred around the wonderful news that Molly has got a place on the MSc at Nottingham Trent university that focuses on endangered species.  Molly and I are now busy researching various ways she might fund this course.  We are contemplating setting up a student funder campaign where Molly can attract funding for people who want to help.  These people would be essentially sponsoring her to complete her masters degree in conservation.  If enough people got involved contributions could be small but, I would hope, the impact would be great.  Molly is dedicating her life to bringing endangered species back from the brink.  She has held this ambition for so long that is clearly a calling.  She will never be rich working in the field of conservation but she doesn't care about that.  She just wants her life to make a difference and we could not be more proud. 

A student funder campaign reaches out to communities, businesses and individuals for financial support.  My thinking is that we can not all do what Molly does and intends to do more of but maybe some of us can support her in it.  It is a radical but innovative approach to postgraduate funding but I think she might just pull it off.  Molly has to be prepared to do things in return for any donations she receives so we are thinking her Conservation Stories blog is a good place to start.  We have plans to expand and deepen the blog so that it may be a place for readers to be both informed and inspired.  It will be full of practical projects that we can all engage with as we support conservation of our planet.  It is all promising to be an exciting, if a little ambitious, project but if anyone can pull it off it is Molly.  I will, of course, be doing my bit to do all I can to support her through my existing networks.  Molly has produced a piece of writing that responds to the theme 'enchanting' and I hope that when people read it they will realise the potential of her work and get behind her. 

So, as usual there is lots happening in Scottish island mum land but my thoughts remain with my dear friends who are finding life tough at the moment.  I have let them all know that I am here to help in whatever they need me to.  I am helping a couple of them in very practical ways and that, I hope, is useful.  But this final sentence is for a very special lady.  I know you don't like to ask for help and I understand that too well but I can be right by your side in a heartbeat......

Until tomorrow.  xx

Day 326 - An inspiring video has brought perspective. xx

Friday 22nd November

I am not sure I should be allowed near a glue gun.  I seem to burn myself so much that it actually stops hurting.  Today has been about making the dried wreaths for the next market on the 30th November.  I am beginning to make wreaths in my sleep.  My studio is full of dried fruit, herbs and pine cones and the first batch are finished and hanging to set.  I won't be able to do the fresh ones until Thursday next week so once the dry ones are done it will back to candle making.  Last year I forgot to make one for us and so this year I am having an afternoon with friends where we can all make our wreaths.  I have just been offered another crop of willow as word has obviously spread so I will be back to weaving next week.....

You know me well enough by now to know that I am also making a few bits for weddings so that I can photograph them to go on the website when it is up.  The aim is to bring With Love from Arran, Whimsical Wreaths and Buds & Bloom onto one site so that people can see what we offer.  There will be a blogging element to the site so that readers can find out about the process that is involved.  I am hoping to get the skeleton site up by mid December ready for the full launch in January when our order books open for weddings.  I will be using our willow in the design work for weddings so the blog will help tie everything together. 

We woke to a very hard frost today so I was out taking pictures before breakfast and I loved the stillness.  Mother Nature suspends time when she delivers frost and I think we should take note.  I let the morning come to me a little today but I noticed that some of the frost has failed to thaw all day and it is now starting to get dark.  My connections with the season influence so much of what I do so I cope well with these shorter days.  By 3pm I have done all I can on the wreath front and I light the fire and settle down to write.  I then pick up my wreath making after supper but focuses on smaller jobs that I can do next to the fire. 

Thank you to all those who messaged me about the true activist video I posted a link to yesterday.  It is so important to have perspective in life but it is also so important to avoid creating a negative self fulfilling prophecy.  I am a firm believer in positivity as it has got me through so much in life.  I could sit about complaining about my illness and using it as an excuse not to do anything.  My Nana was very like that so I have avoided that approach.  She became a bit of a burden over time and that is my worst nightmare.  I am determined to live a full life and I am also determined to enjoy it.  I always focus on the positive aspects of my life and I think this leads to more positivity coming my way.  The other thing I got from the video ties in with my philosophy of life which ties in closely with Buddhism.  I don't put myself at the centre of my world.  In place of me I put humanity and a deep and very real desire to help others as help is required.  This belief has deepened in recent years and I have worked hard in my Dharma from Samye Ling to remove ego from the equation.  Ego gets in the way of so much and it makes us very precious about ourselves.  By putting humanity at the centre of my world rather than myself I have found much greater happiness and contentment in life.

This is not an easy approach to life and it does require constant reflection to ensure that my ego hasn't snuck in while I wasn't looking.  I am glad that so many of you found thee video helpful.  It is easy to think that the teacher is dismissing our problems but I know he is not.  He is merely offering a sense of perspective before taking us on a journey to eradicate fear.  Fear is imagined and not real and he makes that point very well.  I always consider myself as a student of life and will do until my last breath so videos like this help me reflect, learn and move forward.  I am, therefore, thrilled that so many of you found it useful as well. 

I am currently writing for a project involving displaced children from Syria.  The scale of their problems is deeply shocking but the strategies being put in place to support them are imaginative, responsive and potentially highly successful.  I am inspired by the strength shown by these children and my job is to tell these stories back to them so they might understand how far they have come already.  They began the project as broken human beings but slowly, day by day, they are mending.  Now that, me thinks, is perspective. 

Until tomorrow.  xx

Day 325 - we didn't dare to dream....xx

Thursday 21st November

Today I am a very proud Scottish island mum.  Molly has been offered a place at Nottingham Trent university on their MSc in Conservation and the recovery of endangered species.  This is a very big deal and we could not be more pleased.  It is the only course like it in the world and it works with the Durrell international conservation centre in Jersey.  The focus of the course uses the study of genetics to pull species back from the brink of extinction.  The university doesn't take many students so Molly has done so well to be offered a place and we are all over the moon.  She aimed incredibly high and we all held her breath so now we can all start breathing again. 

Molly is completely fearless.  Her self belief is what has led to this coupled with her determination that she will make a difference to animal species across the globe.  On top of these well grounded  attitudes she works so hard to make things happen.  When she left school  at 13 to try home schooling with her brothers she informed us that she was rubbish at science.  She knew this because her teacher had told her that science wasn't really her subject.  So to win a place on an internationally recognised science masters speaks volumes about her own levels of determination.  I have never known Molly to quit at anything but she combines that approach with a belief that the 'early bird does, indeed, catch the worm.'  She had secured a summer programme of professional experience before most students had even began thinking about it. 

Of course, it is just these attitudes that she will need if she is to make a difference.  The work that she is most interested in requires commitment and determination that knows no boundaries.  The animals can't speak to us so Molly is putting herself firmly between us and them and she will do their talking for them.  I wouldn't want to get on the wrong side of Molly so it is perhaps best if we listen....

She is a good communicator and already keeps a blog of her professional experiences which is well worth a read.  The purpose of her blog is to tell conservation issues through story telling and I think this is a worthy approach that may lead her somewhere in the future.  So, we are proud that she has a masters place on such an important course but we are also proud that she continues to learn the necessary knowledge and skills to make a real difference.  We now have to figure out how to fund this opportunity but that is the easy bit and I have no doubt that will fall into place as well.  Something tells me that there is no stopping this girl. 

I had just finished home school when Molly called with the news and I am not totally sure what I have done with the rest of the day and it is dark now.  The days are suddenly so short and so cold but I am glad that all the willow coppicing is behind us.  All the wreath bases are also made and now the work begins to decorate some of them.  I am still waiting for supplies to arrive by post but I will have to use my evenings to catch up.  Serves me right for getting over excited. 

We are so pleased with the early response to our Buds and Blooms venture and we starting to get together a development time line to ensure we are ready for next year.  There is a lot of raised beds to be constructed and I am thinking hazel!  Our hazel needs some serious reconstructing if it is to be a more productive crop to accompany the willow so it seems a good time to coppice quite hard so that we can make hazel hurdles for the raised beds.  I see a little family day of coppicing coming on.   There are so many brambles to clear in the area that I want to extend the willow into that I may disappear for quite a few weeks only coming up for air occasionally.  I have my seed order in pretty good shape for next year and I also managed to harvest quite a lot of seeds at the end of this season so I can turn my attention to the new perennials I want to introduce.  Life is never dull. 

I want to end today by sharing a video that was posted on the true activist facebook page.  I often refer to Molly as fearless and I can see the boys heading in the same direction.  This video made me ponder how that attitude has taken hold of our children.  Their growing self belief is so refreshing because I know many people in the world that struggle with that.  Confidence can be a very fragile thing and easily damaged.  For us school was doing more to damage their confidence than anything else and  that is what led us to home schooling.  This video gives us all lots to ponder over.....just click on the link. 

Until tomorrow.   

Day 324 - we have a name! xx

Wednesday 20th November

It would appear that we are officially stranded!  No boats have managed across the water today as the wind is pretty fierce.  It is pretty cold as well.  As winter tightens its grip on the island the islanders prepare for many days when the boat won't sail.  It isn't a problem if you don't need the boat but I am waiting for much needed supplies to arrive so that I might be ready for Santa Sparkle on the 30th November. 

Putting that out of my mind Pete delivered the last of the coppiced willow and I set about the last of the wreath base making.  My hands hurt now from all the twisting and weaving but it has been worth it.  I have a lovely collection of wreath bases ready for sale while holding some back to decorate for those who would rather purchase a ready made wreath.  I have the house to myself as the boys are all out doing various sporting activities and Pete is at work.  It is not often this happens but I do love the quiet. 

Making wreaths for the past four days has allowed for quite a bit of thinking and planning so I have taken a swift hour to record it all in my journal.  There is a feeling that we are poised on the edge of exciting times on the smallholding and next year promises to be busy but highly rewarding.  The interest in the willow has been fabulous so plans are underway for more willow products through the year.  The focus will remain the wreaths but I have discovered that I am a terrible one for fiddling.  While slumped on the sofa after a whole day of willow weaving I then pick up the bits left over and create new things.  Last night I created some heart bases ready for decorating next week so we shall see how they are received. 

I have managed to put up some of our Christmas 2013 Collection on the With Love from Arran facebook page so that off islanders can see what it is all about.  I have also listed the prices for wreaths which we are happy to post out where possible.  The mail order wing of Whimsical Wreaths is not launched until next year but we have had such lovely requests that we couldn't say no. 

Thanks to facebook and a very lovely friend we have finally decided on a name for the wedding flowers bit of the business.  Now all we have to do is get some flyers ready to hand out at Santa Sparkle before contacting all the wedding venues on the island.  We hope that by offering some island grown flowers brides will want to include us in their special day.  Of course, it is not just weddings that we will be able to cater for.  We last offered occasion flowers when we lived in Derbyshire but since moving back to the island we have concentrated on establishing the smallholding.  Growing our own flowers and herbs was at the centre of the ambition.  It is fair to say that we would never be able to offer all the flowers but we will do our very best.  I used to love the wedding consultation process and I look forward to meeting prospective customers from January onwards.  Cut flower and willow yields will be dramatically increased next year so we feel confident to open our order book once more. 

Someone has already emailed and we are in discussion.  I am putting together a style book that reflects what we will be able to offer.  I come to floristry with experience as a grower and, I think, that reflects my style.  I love arrangements that look natural and I also love using the hedgerows to help achieve this look.  I am a huge fan of seasonal flowers for weddings as they place your day in a time of the year.  I also don't like buying in flowers grown in hot houses because of the incredibly high carbon footprint.  Buying roses from UK growers will be my priority as it was back in my Derbyshire days.  Beyond that, I put fragrance at the centre of my design.  There is nothing worse than a flower with no fragrance. 

So, as we pedal like mad to be ready to accept bookings we want to thank our lovely friend Clare for coming up with the name.  We decided that we could get away with a name that would speak to the locals and then add a comma and the word Arran for marketing off island.  So our little venture is stretching its wings and preparing for flight....

Until tomorrow.  xx

Day 323 - there be ice on top of ice..xx

Tuesday 19th November

It was mighty cold in the early morning coppicing willow and the withies had ice on them.  I put my willow wreaths as a status update on facebook and now I am chasing advanced orders - serves me right.  I do have some sympathy with my customers though because it is almost impossible to get willow wreaths to decorate in the UK, unless you live in Somerset.  You can get vine bases shipped in from China but that is hardly the same.  This is what prompted us to grow willow in the first place and we already feel this has been a good move.  I also use willow in my floristry business and my wedding wreaths are a bit of a trademark.  Speaking of weddings I wish I could announce the name of that bit of the business but sadly I can't.  Thank you so much for all the suggestions but nothing has grabbed me yet and I feel a compromise coming on. 

I have a growing pile of willow and hazel wreaths next to me but, if I am honest, I have no idea how many I will sell this year.  It is quite an addictive thing weaving with willow and in the evening I work with the smaller withies to make little decorations.  The plan is to finish making the willow bases this week before decorating some next week in time for Santa Sparkle.  I have also promised some to our local shop so I could just do with my very own team of little elves in smart green suits working while I sleep. 

Of course, I am driving myself bonkers with all the development ideas I am having on the willow front and need to try and take this one step at a time.  I can only develop this business as fast as the willow grows.  You just know I will be talking to it once spring returns.  I love how some of you guys have already found the new Pinterest Board on willow that have started!  If any of you fancy a go at willow growing I would advise growing the more unusual colours especially the golds and the reds because they are stunning.  A good romp around your local area will present you with willow growing in the hedgerows and you will be doing it a favour if you coppice it. Willow likes to be cut once a year as soon as the leaves have fallen.  In January and February you can plant your cuttings.  Willow is easily choked so the best thing to do is to lay garden fabric down to supress the weeds before making a hole to plant your cutting in.

Making a willow wreath is not the easiest thing in the world and does take quite a bit of practice.  You need to accept that no two will look the same.  We are not creating a container ship of vines wreaths from China, we are creating an individual willow wreath from wood grown in the UK. Coppicing of willow goes back hundreds of year and I love the sense of tradition that comes with this work.  That said, I can't help thinking of contemporary twists...

The island saw snow last night on the mountains and at lower level in the south.  The hard frost settled as dawn broke with pockets remaining all day.  This is our first real sense of winter and the smallholding looks frozen in time.  If we are to extend our willow collection we have some major clearing to be done so the winter die back is most welcome.  Tomorrow I must concentrate on posting my Christmas collection on the With Love from Arran facebook page as I promised off islanders the chance to buy if they so wish.   I am thinking that I am running about two days behind schedule. It is often the case at this time of the year.  Now you can see why it is our busiest time.   Enough chat, back to work for this, clearly, very wicked woman. 

Until tomorrow.  xx

Day 322 - the coppicing continues...xx

Monday 18th November

Despite some welcome winter sunshine it is very cold and it was tough coppicing willow and hazel today.  I am not sure I shall ever be warm again.  More wreaths now made and the fire on to warm me up while catch up with the world.  I have found a real love of weaving with willow and I lose so much time as I get engrossed in the task.  In tree folklore willow is the tree of inspiration and intuition so I a clearly hope some of that rubs off on me as I work.  It is also a tree that binds us with love and as I was binding my willow wreaths with the smaller branches today I reflected on that.  I have a number of dear friends struggling at this time of year as the days shorten and the winter descends once more.  I do wish I could bind us all up with enough love to see us through this challenging time.  I do think it is useful to get outside every day if we can and make the most of the winter light. 

I am a little odd because winter is my favourite season.  It is the season where I reflect on the previous growing year and make plans for the future.  January is my review and planning month and it is a time to recharge the batteries after a busy Christmas period.  I love to walk in the winter as the trees etch their sculptural forms on the landscape.  When the cold mists rise from the grass and we can see our own breath it feels as if we are, somehow, on the edge.  I like living on the edge.  For me this means I am always ready to jump one way or another.  The frosty mornings are slow to emerge but the glistening is always there ready for us to find it.  I am still harvesting bits and pieces from the hedgerows and I found a wonderful rosehip bush today.  It is important only to take what the bush can afford to offer up and mine are already woven into my drying willow wreaths. 

Hazelbank is not named by accident.  The smallholding has a wonderful bank of hazel trees so these were coppiced today as well.  My latest batch of wreaths are therefore a lovely blend of willow and hazel.  I nodded at the ivy as the berries are just coming right on time and the holly is waiting for its turn to be harvested.  I like a door wreath to be the first decoration of Christmas and so the 1st December seems a natural time.  I am getting a little bit over excited and am now making double hanging wreaths that suspend as mobiles in the centre of rooms or above the table.  The trouble with me is I never know when to stop!  I am, however, kept busy by the fact that people are already requesting the natural bases ahead of their launch on the 30th November.  There are no flies on the people of Arran. 

As well as working flat out on wreaths and candles for the next Christmas markets I am trying to put together a small but perfectly formed marketing campaign to launch the wedding flowers part of the business.  The problem I have is the name.  I want the word Arran in there and a reference to flowers but I am not keen on Arran Flowers which is the most obvious name.  If any of you can help I would be eternally grateful.  I can't really have a marketing campaign without a brand name.  Speed is of the essence on this one as I want to take some flyers to Santa Sparkle a week on Saturday. 

I continue to get lots of lovely emails from you guys and I shall miss this when this phase of the project comes to an end on December 31st.  I had a lovely email from a lady who lives just across the water and she has followed the blog all year.  She took some time out of her very busy schedule to tell me about her favourite moments during the past year and I was truly touched.  I will be doing a similar exercise in December but meantime pop across to the Scottish island mum Pinterest board to see some photos that will, no doubt, trigger memories. 

I would like to take this opportunity to wish everyone who is struggling with depression or similar illnesses a speedy recovery.  Today the boys and I saw a rainbow on the Holy Isle, a red  squirrel just a few metres away and a buzzard over the heights.  I am dedicating all those lovely moments to all who are finding life a little tough.  Blessings. 

Until tomorrow.  xx

Day 321 - Whimsical Wreaths has been born. xx

Sunday 17th November

Usually Sunday is a day when I take my time about life.  This has not been the case today as I began the coppicing of our first willow crop.  After only 10 months of growing it is not the largest willow crop in the world but it is the start of a very exciting wing of the smallholding so excitement was there in abundance.  Regular readers will know that we planted almost 200 willow cuttings back in February and then rather crossed our fingers.  The farmer who owns the fields above Hazelbank does not maintain his drainage ditches and, historically, this has been a problem for us.  Last year we had the idea that we might grow some willow as we could be assured of a constant flow of water meandering its way through our fields.  The idea was to grow willow to make natural wreath bases and so Whimsical Wreaths was born....

Today, we have our first batch of willow wreaths made and there was a fair amount of jigging that went with it.  I have made this batch but the plan is that next year the boys will be involved in making them as well.  In February we will be able to take cuttings and to plant another couple of hundred trees and so the planned is rolled out.  We have grown over a dozen different varieties to ensure we can bring colour to our wreaths and the red is absolutely stunning.  In 2014 we will be launching our mail order wreath business and that will form the focus on this part of the business.  As with all things from Hazelbank the islanders get first pickings.  With our cut flower business opening its order book for weddings in 2014 the willow is a lovely addition.  I once had a bride who used willow as her primary 'bloom' and it remains my favourite wedding. 




The plan this year with the modest harvest is to sell some decorated wreaths as well as a small number of bases for people to decorate themselves.  With Santa Sparkle in less than two weeks it will be wreath making and more wreath making...  It keeps me out of trouble.  I can get into the most awful trouble if I have too much time on my hands. 

It was not all good news from the smallholding as my tunnel has a great hole in the side of it.  We have been patching for years and I am thinking it will need new plastic next year.  There are still plenty of jobs at the this time of year and we are struggling to find the time.  I am guessing that my bulb planting will shift into December and then the repair work and next season preparation will shift into January.  With Love from Arran sells so well at this time of year that we need to concentrate on that and the introduction of Whimsical Wreaths. 

I have also been busy on One soul many hearts uploading the next part in Kathy's inspiring story and also adding new photographs in the Keeping in Real gallery.  We have a pleasing number of page views on the site and it is growing week by week.  In January I will be announcing our three new one soul many hearts ambassadors who will help to promote the site. 

It has suddenly got much colder on the island so I have been out topping up the hay in the bug hotel.  I was just putting some dry hay in a plant pot and there was a deep buzzing noise.  I obviously disturbed a solitary bee - how fabulous is that?  I am feeling that it is time to make last minute checks across the smallholding before winter takes grip of it.  Some of us will see snow in the coming week but I am not going to moan again if we don't get it on the island.  Many will remember what happened last time I kept moaning....we got the heaviest snowfall in living memory and lost power for a week.  Scottish island mum needs to stay very quiet on the subject of snow.

Shhhh....until tomorrow. xx

Day 320 - A very welcomed second place xx

Saturday 16th November

And Christmas is off and running on the island...

A good turn out for our first Christmas market and a difference in spending culture was detected.  This is my third year at this market and I detected a real confidence returning as people gathered up lots of Christmas goodies.  With Love from Arran and Sugar & Spice held their own amongst some quite stiff competition.  The standard of craft work is definitely on the rise on the island which is pleasing to see. 

As usual there is far too much to get on the table so the set up is all about compromise but with Pete and George helping all went well.  When the doors opened people began to move around the stalls in their usual fashion.  Everyone goes right round the room once before going back to their favourite stall to start buying.  I had nudged my prices up this year because they have been artificially low the past two years.  No one seemed to object and With Love from Arran sold steadily for three hours.  George was an absolute star sorting out all the money and we did make the best of teams.  Angie and I do the same events and always ask for tables together because it makes it such an enjoyable experience. I do love Angie so much.  A chance to catch up on all the news and start thinking about the next big market at the end of the month. 

With love from Arran is blessed with really loyal customers from the days of Arran Trading Post and then Nature's Larder.  Every time we change they continue to follow and we are so grateful.  We do work hard to introduce new products in every collection.  It would appear that the homespun collection was successful so the gamble might just be paying off. 

Now home with the fire lit and the said cat on lap I can begin to ponder the next market.  Santa Sparkle is a huge deal for the island but this is our first year of doing it and I am reflecting on what sold well today to guide me forward.  Without doubt the natural soy candles sold the best as they always do at this time of year.  That wax pot will be back in operation tomorrow and everyday until the end of the month.  The house will, once gain, be full of Christmas fragrances.  The trick is not to spend anything more and focus on utilising what materials I have.  At Santa Sparkle we will be in full wreath mode and this will include our own coppiced willow.  This is just a gentle introduction to what will become a major feature of our work in the coming years.  The red willow is my absolute favourite and this week the coppicing will be underway.  We are also making wreaths using woven straw bases and I suspect these will be our top wreath this year. 

I do not know where this year has gone but I do know it has include over 300 blog posts.  Once we are in December I want to spend some time looking back before setting out my plans for 2014.  Everything is now inked in in my planning journal so now it is just a matter of rolling it all forward.  My writing commission under a pen name is perhaps the most intriguing project as I have know idea what that will lead to.  But then who would have known Scottish island mum would have led to so much? 

Just logging on this afternoon to find that a short story that I submitted to a competition months ago has won second prize.  I have to go back through my emails to figure out why I entered it!  Anyway, I thought you might like to read it. 

Until tomorrow.  xx

Inside a beating heart

 

It is inside his beating heart that I feel the love.  It is not a love that exists outside his heart and it is not a love that he shares.  Deep inside his heart hides a secret love that will stay with him for a life time.  I can feel it now. 

 

She just came along at the wrong time because his life was full.  It was full of people who needed him and full of old horizons.  She brought new horizons that he could barely see but knew to be there.  Lying in bed at night he could feel his heart swelling and he could hear it beating.  He feared not turn for his face would tell a story that should not be told.  He had made his decision much earlier in life and his partner was right by his side.  She was always there and she would always be there and he knew that as well.  But still his heart beat to a new rhythm.  This rhythm brought a new energy that he did his best to hide for fear of clues escaping from his beating heart. 

 

His life changed shape and no one noticed as a new path meandered away from him.  In small moments he wanted to walk that path and his heart beat stronger.  He did look down the path and he did fall in love with the new crisp horizons but he never stepped on the path.  He never took a single step.

 

So when it came it came in a shudder that his beating heart could not suppress.  He had been so sure his secret love was hidden so how did she know?  She knew all too well and the look in her face told him she was crying inside.  Tears wept to the ground as she stood in front of him waiting for an answer.  He knew the answer but, in that moment, he could not utter a single sound.  He was fixed to the ground as the tears washed his feet and he stared back at a face broken with fear.  He had broken that face and he had brought the tears but still the answer stayed silent.  Seeping from the edges he saw the new path and the crisp horizons and his heart began beating again. 

 

Preparing to give the answer he watched as the broken face looked to the ground and in that second his heart stopped beating.  He gave the answer that erased the path and smudged the horizons and the broken face looked up once more.  The tears dried and the face healed but still his heart did not beat.

 

Lying in bed he knew he would have to turn and look into that face once more. 

 

I watched him turn and I watched the bodies connect but I could not feel a heart beat.  I was about to leave when I heard the slightest sound in a silent room.  She was there all along and would always be there.  It was in his beating heart that I felt his love.