Friday
16th August
The
problem with this year long project is that my very loyal readers have had to
go through the ups and downs with me. I
am not sure I anticipated that before I began this blog but then I didn't think
people would read it every day.
It is
with the most enormous sadness that I have to write that my dear friend, Paul,
died earlier this morning. I understand
that it was peaceful and with great dignity and his wife was right by his side. I woke this morning fitfully and truly
struggled to wake up fully. I felt like
I was tumbling in and out of sleep until I heard an email come through my
iPad. I knew in that moment that Paul
had died. I struggled out of bed and
went off to make a cup of tea before crawling back into bed to open my iPad. There was the email that I knew was
there. Words are useless to me now as I
try and explain how I felt. I love Paul
and he will always have an incredibly special place in my heart. There is to be a small family funeral and
then a memorial later in the year. This
is not the day to tell you about Paul so I will wait until the day of the
memorial. On that day I will write my
own very personal tribute to a special soul and although most of you never met
him you will, I am sure, understand what made him so special. For now all I can say is 'Night night lovely
man, sleep well. Xxx'
Paul's
best friend, Steve, is my life mentor and has asked that we are brave and I do
not often do what I am told in life. I always do
what Steve tells me to do so I have carried on with my day as planned. I had a lovely lunch with a very dear friend
who herself is taking the fight to cancer but she is winning. We talked at length about that fight and how
she has learnt to live with the fear and the anxiety and I realised that Paul
had been saved from all that. His
diagnosis was much more serious than most so any treatment would have been
brutal so maybe he has been spared some suffering. The trade off might be that the speed of his
demise means we are all left with that sense of complete shock. Make no mistake that I will take that shock
and sadness if that meant Paul was spared of more suffering.
I will
not deny that I am angry. I am angry
with cancer. It stole my father almost
16 years ago and it has since stolen more loved ones. It has become the focus of all that is bad in
my mind and I need some time to put things back in perspective. I do have friends and family who have beaten
it but they are not in the front of my mind.
A cancer that kills is firmly lodged in that place. I am not an angry person and I am an
extremely positive person and these things will win through. If loved ones have been cheated in life
it is surely up to me to make sure that I don't take one second for
granted. I have always lived life to the
full and I need to remember that. I also
need to remember my own faith which tells me to be quiet and calm to support
the soul as it moves out of one life and prepares for another. This approach is winning against the anger
because it is what Paul needs at this time and this must not be about me.
I am
sorry that I bring this sense of sadness to my blog but this is very much part
of the integrity of the project. You may
not have known Paul but I expect most, if not all, know something about cancer
in your own life. So could I just take
this little space to send all the blessings I can muster to all who have been
touched by cancer. I will try much
harder to be brave and let all my wonderful memories seep through the
anger.
To Paul,
we had the very best of times.
Until
tomorrow. Xx
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