Tuesday 16th April
I wrote this post before the horrific accident yesterday. So I am bit upside down and back to front. I have had a lovely day with Molly. She is an absolute star. Anyway here is yesterday for today...
Early start to get the 8.20am ferry as I am off to see my lovely Molly in Lincoln. Passed the time of the crossing by chatting to a really special friend who I don't see enough of. A good use of the time.
Once at Glasgow station it is vital that one gets a Costa coffee and sitting in their cafe was its usual joy. It is far too small for such a busy place but I was blessed in finding it almost empty. It is always a chance to catch up on emails etc but today I was rather distracted by a conversation two middle age men were having. I was drawn to it because it surprised me. The conversation centred on one guy explaining to his boss why things are become a little unravelled with his latest project that he was managing. Politeness was the order of the day as the men exchanged views on what might have gone wrong. After a while I felt that politeness was getting in the way of some straight talking and I realised that the conversation was confirming rather than solution focused. Those who know me well will wonder why I didn't jump up and suggest a way forward. I resisted that temptation and tried to focus on my own business.
It was such a loud conversation that it became impossible to concentrate on anything else. I contemplated doing a meditation but feared I would lose time and miss my connection. Half listening I replied to a couple of emails and then noticed the tone of the guy, having problems with his project, had changed. I know I probably missed a few connections but it was suddenly taking about a recent holiday which was stressful and a wedding to go to that was also stressful. This simply didn't fit with the earlier conversation where he had defended his actions with such passion. All of a sudden he told his boss that life had become unbearably stressful and this left his boss speechless. There was an uncomfortable silence while I resisted the temptation to give the guy a hug. The boss had no idea how to deal with this so the guy just kept talking. It transpired that things he had once found easy as a young professional had now become a real challenge. This is what surprised me because I think I expect men of this age to be in full control and positively gliding towards retirement. I didn't expect this level of anxiety from someone who had been doing the job for years. His boss obviously didn't expect it either and was completely lost for words.
The conversation took another abrupt twist when the guy started talking about how much money he gets a month and stated that he felt he should be earning more than he was for the age he is now. The foggy and confusing picture began to clear. Here was a guy who, over the years, has placed enormous expectations on himself driven by what he thinks other people expect of him. He referenced his wife and said he thought she compared his salary with that of other men she knew of the same age.
He quickly became unravelled and his thought processes were sparking off in all sorts of directions and he was making less and less sense. The boss continued to utter the odd word of comfort but did nothing to support a way forward. The guy then said that if he could recognise the source of stress he could start to deal with it and his boss agreed. They got up to leave, obviously going in different direction and the parting was a little awkward.
Drinking the last of my coffee and gathering my things together I just felt so sad. The poor guy had identified his source of stress but was so lost he hadn't even realised. On the train to Edinburgh I have pondered that exchange. I remembered that at the start of my career when I worked in London I used to travel on the tube to work. Every morning and every evening I used to see the 'grey men'. Men in the 50s still in the same job and working towards retirement. That was over 20 years ago and now I am sure there are grey women as well. I am also sure there are lots of non-grey people On those journeys. But back in the day I looked at the grey men and made a silent pact with myself never to turn that unflattering colour. I had almost forgotten about that pact until today.
I am well aware that there are lots of people in their 50s who love their jobs and are far from grey. That is wonderful but it doesn't solve the problem of the grey people. The lack of vibrant colour is a slow fade and probably takes years of stress and fatigue to be achieved. I would need some convincing that that is really living. I am passionate about life and I just feel that these grey people have lost their way. They have tramped the same path for so long they don't believe there is an alternative. Maybe the mortgage or school fees are in the front of their mind or maybe it is the pension. My father died in his early 60s so I have learnt not to live for my pension.
Changing your life in your 50s is a real challenge but it is not impossible. It does require a lot of energy and considerable investment in time and effort. It also requires the ability to take a step back and look at your life. The change, if it is to happen, will affect the immediate family and requires careful planning sprinkled with a good dose of imagination. All these skills can be exhausting and I fear that the grey people don't have the the energy for it. If they could muster the necessary effort I am quite convinced they would benefit enormously. Change can be gradual and begin with changing a few bits and pieces first. Change has a dynamic of its own and once you have plugged that into your life you are soon sailing a whole new course.
I went that unflattering shade of grey in my mid 30s which was a little premature! All the other people of a similar age seemed to be just getting going with their careers whereas I had done all I wanted to do and I was exhausted. With the support of my family I made the changes necessary to start adding colour back into my life. I have never missed the high salary, the buzz of the job or the achievements associated with it. I have simply replaced all of that with other riches that I feel help to keep my colour pallet evenly distributed. Perhaps this course is not right for all and I am sure it isn't but they are the people with colour in their lives.
All this reflecting as helped me to focus on one aspect of my new venture 'one soul many hearts.' I want some of that virtual space to be reserved for advice from a range of perspectives that people can call upon to help them begin the essential process of reflecting on their lives. It should be a space where people can feel comfortable and able to work through their own issues in a more systematic and solution orientated way. I can't help wishing this space was already operational so I could have just offered a contact card to the guy in the cafe. He sat down feeling lost and left feeling lost. That just leaves me with a sense of failure but also a determination to push on with my ideas and take more notice of the grey people and offer a real helping hand. Sometimes we all need someone to hold our hand.
Until tomorrow. Xx
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