Day 107 - a gentle day

Wednesday 17th April

Today was the funeral of Margaret Thatcher and I watched most of it on the TV.  I was relieved to see that protests seemed to be small and lacked impact.  A funeral is no place for such things and I think the British public knew that in their hearts.  I am a believer of free speech but I also believe there is a time and a place and this event was neither.  We do ceremony very well in this country and this was no exception.  I liked that it was a funeral service not a memorial and I think that fitted the person and the occasion.  Margaret Thatcher may have come from a different political perspective than mine but, as a woman, I did admire her self belief.  Above all, though I felt for the family who carried themselves with great dignity.

Molly and I took herself off to the cathedral after the service as that seemed appropriate.  I adore Lincoln cathedral and it has a special place in my heart.  I lit a candle as I always do for my beloved father and we just sat in silence for a while.  On this visit we even found the cafe and sat outside in the cloisters and all seemed well with the world.  To get to the cathedral requires a good walk up a very steep hill but there is a wonderful second hand book shop half way up.  I like to think that I rescue books that are a little past their best and unloved.  I buy them, take them home and love them.  I bought three for the grand sum of £7.00 and all three of them will be a delight, I am sure.  I finally now own a copy of Earth Pilgrim by Satish Kumar and that will inspire me forward I am sure.  His homage to the Earth sets him apart from most of us and I think there will be great learning to be had from immersing myself in his book.

Less known to me is the book entitled 'Teachings of Queen Kunti' but there lies the joy.  I love finding out about new things and any book with a chapter called 'The most intelligent woman' has my attention straight away.  Again a book about teachings and probably not ones I have come across before.  I can't see the point in continually reading stuff that confirms beliefs and values as it rarely moves me forward.  I like to be challenged and just reading the introduction in the shop was enough to know that this book will be just that.

The final book was rescued because I don't believe anyone else would rescue it.  Entitled 'Tranquil Moment' it is a book created by Kathleen Partridges that aims to share moments of reflection and reconnect us with the natural world.  This is not something that will challenge me but I bought it because it was near the other two.  That is my defence.

I would love to hear from you about books that you have found particularly engaging.  I have some people in my life who recommend books to me but not enough of these people.  I often pass my books on and never expect them back.  I always pass books on to people I believe will get something out of that book even if it as simple as enjoyment.  I then hope that the book is passed on again.  If you would like to join me on this little book thingy do let me know and we can swap addresses and chat.  I like to try and travel light in life but never achieve this but passing books on is one way of keeping it under control.

Lincoln is full of little shops once you get away from the Hight Street and Molly and I had a couple of hours exploring most of them.  We went into a charity shop with a difference run by a young woman who means retail business!  The upstairs has been converted into a wonderful vintage attic where I found two wonderful vintage postcards to add to my collection.  What was I saying about travelling light??  This charity shop has so set the standard on a street full of charity shops.  The rest will have to up their game if they are to compete.  I did see a tea set that I have seen at auction before.  It is easily worth £100 but they had it at £40.00.  Step away from the tea set Fiona.  I did step away.
So a gentle day with some time for reflection.  I do hope your days have been gentle too.

Until tomorrow. Xx

Day 106 - yesterday for today

Tuesday 16th April

I wrote this post before the horrific accident yesterday.  So I am bit upside down and back to front.  I have had a lovely day with Molly.  She is an absolute star.  Anyway here is yesterday for today...

Early start to get the 8.20am ferry as I am off to see my lovely Molly in Lincoln.  Passed the time of the crossing by chatting to a really special friend who I don't see enough of.  A good use of the time.

Once at Glasgow station it is vital that one gets a Costa coffee and sitting in their cafe was its usual joy.  It is far too small for such a busy place but I was blessed in finding it almost empty.  It is always a chance to catch up on emails etc but today I was rather distracted by a conversation two middle age men were having.  I was drawn to it because it surprised me.  The conversation centred on one guy explaining to his boss why things are become a little unravelled with his latest project that he was managing.  Politeness was the order of the day as the men exchanged views on what might have gone wrong.  After a while I felt that politeness was getting in the way of some straight talking and I realised that the conversation was confirming rather than solution focused.  Those who know me well will wonder why I didn't jump up and suggest a way forward.  I resisted that temptation and tried to focus on my own business.

It was such a loud conversation that it became impossible to concentrate on anything else.  I contemplated doing a meditation but feared I would lose time and miss my connection.  Half listening I replied to a couple of emails and then noticed the tone of the guy, having problems with his project, had changed.  I know I probably missed a few connections but it was suddenly taking about a recent holiday which was stressful and a wedding to go to that was also stressful.  This simply didn't fit with the earlier conversation where he had defended his actions with such passion.  All of a sudden he told his boss that life had become unbearably stressful and this left his boss speechless.  There was an uncomfortable silence while I resisted the temptation to give the guy a hug.  The boss had no idea how to deal with this so the guy just kept talking.  It transpired that things he had once found easy as a young professional had now become a real challenge.  This is what surprised me because I think I expect men of this age to be in full control and positively gliding towards retirement.  I didn't expect this level of anxiety from someone who had been doing the job for years.  His boss obviously didn't expect it either and was completely lost for words.

The conversation took another abrupt twist when the guy started talking about how much money he gets a month and stated that he felt he should be earning more than he was for the age he is now.  The foggy and confusing picture began to clear. Here was a guy who, over the years, has placed enormous expectations on himself driven by what he thinks other people expect of him.  He referenced his wife and said he thought she compared his salary with that of other men she knew of the same age.

He quickly became unravelled and his thought processes were sparking off in all sorts of directions and he was making less and less sense.  The boss continued to utter the odd word of comfort but did nothing to support a way forward.  The guy then said that if he could recognise the source of stress he could start to deal with it and his boss agreed.  They got up to leave, obviously going in different direction and the parting was a little awkward.

Drinking the last of my coffee and gathering my things together I just felt so sad.  The poor guy had identified his source of stress but was so lost he hadn't even realised.  On the train to Edinburgh I have pondered that exchange.  I remembered that at the start of my career when I worked in London I used to travel on the tube to work.  Every morning and every evening I used to see the 'grey men'.  Men in the 50s still in the same job and working towards retirement.  That was over 20 years ago and now I am sure there are grey women as well.  I am also sure there are lots of non-grey people On those journeys. But back in the day I looked at the grey men and made a silent pact with myself never to turn that unflattering colour.  I had almost forgotten about that pact until today.

I am well aware that there are lots of people in their 50s who love their jobs and are far from grey.  That is wonderful but it doesn't solve the problem of the grey people.  The lack of vibrant colour is a slow fade and probably takes years of stress and fatigue to be achieved.  I would need some convincing that that is really living.  I am passionate about life and I just feel that these grey people have lost their way.  They have tramped the same path for so long they don't believe there is an alternative.  Maybe the mortgage or school fees are in the front of their mind or maybe it is the pension.  My father died in his early 60s so I have learnt not to live for my pension.

Changing your life in your 50s is a real challenge but it is not impossible.  It does require a lot of energy and considerable investment in time and effort.  It also requires the ability to take a step back and look at your life.  The change, if it is to happen, will affect the immediate family and requires careful planning sprinkled with a good dose of imagination.  All these skills can be exhausting and I fear that the grey people don't have the the energy for it.  If they could muster the necessary effort I am quite convinced they would benefit enormously.  Change can be gradual and begin with changing a few bits and pieces first.  Change has a dynamic of its own and once you have plugged that into your life you are soon sailing a whole new course.

I went that unflattering shade of grey in my mid 30s which was a little premature! All the other people of a similar age seemed to be just getting going with their careers whereas I had done all I wanted to do and I was exhausted.  With the support of my family I made the changes necessary to start adding colour back into my life.  I have never missed the high salary, the buzz of the job or the achievements associated with it.  I have simply replaced all of that with other riches that I feel help to keep my colour pallet evenly distributed.   Perhaps this course is not right for all and I am sure it isn't but they are the people with colour in their lives.

All this reflecting as helped me to focus on one aspect of my new venture 'one soul many hearts.' I want some of that virtual space to be reserved for advice from a range of perspectives that people can call upon to help them begin the essential process of reflecting on their lives.  It should be a space where people can feel comfortable and able to work through their own issues in a more systematic and solution orientated way.  I can't help wishing this space was already operational so I could have just offered a contact card to the guy in the cafe.  He sat down feeling lost and left feeling lost.  That just leaves me with a sense of failure but also a determination to push on with my ideas and take more notice of the grey people and offer a real helping hand.  Sometimes we all need someone to hold our hand.

Until tomorrow.  Xx

Day 105 - a tragic day

Monday 15th April

I have already written my blog for today but that will have to do another day now.  The train I am travelling on down the east coast has just killed someone at a road crossing.  Most of you will already know this from my facebook status.

The first we knew was the brakes going on quite suddenly and instinctively we knew something was wrong.  Many of us braced ourselves but it still seemed to take forever for the train to stop.  Some minutes later there was an announcement telling us that someone had been hit by the train at a road crossing we had just gone through.  More minutes passed and, in that time, I don't think any of us dare breathe. Then came the news that it was a fatality.  No one spoke as we all tried to covert what we had just heard into something that actually made sense.  From that point forwards I witnessed an immediate sense of community as we sat on that train.  Everyone reacts differently to trauma and this case was no different.  I felt completely and utterly sick and still do.  An elderly lady that I had helped onto the train with her bags was very upset so we did our best to calm her down.

A little boy kept asking his parents what was going on - his mind couldn't cope with this information.  The parents were very good with him and allowed him time to take in what had happened.  Very quickly the talk was for the driver as some people assumed it was a suicide.  I was less convinced of that as it was a road crossing incident and I am just hoping that it wasn't a young person thinking they could make it across after the barrier was down.  We were heading towards a station so it fits.  Whoever it is and for what reason it is just awful.  Too awful for words and none could bring any comfort at this stage anyway.

We were almost two hours at the scene while the train was examined and the transport police did what they had to do.  That is a long time to sit with people you don't know except that suddenly you feel you do know them.  They are no longer the strangers sitting next to you but real people with real lives.  We are moving again now with a new driver as I blog but there is a very strange atmosphere on the train.  A quietness has come over it as we all contemplate what we have just been part of.

I am not sure what to think except that the suddenness is truly shocking.  One minute alive, the very next dead and I think we forget that.  I am glad we forget that because it is not something to carry around with us.  We have all done our bit to support the most vulnerable and now settled down to see the journey through.  I have done what I can and can do no more.  It is true that you feel helpless in these times.  Except that I remembered my Buddhist teachings and tried to encourage people to stay as calm and quiet as possible to allow for the spirit to pass on gently.  I am sending blessings as far as they need to go and beyond.  A journey that will live with me and all my fellow passengers forever and so it should.
Until tomorrow. Xx

Day 104 - Can I really cut it as a grower?

Sunday 14th April

Bright but windy on the island today and sitting in my studio the wind came from the south and the whole thing nearly took off.  It needs to stay put, at least until the official opening in less than two weeks time. 

Today is all about growing as I attempt to take stock of where I am in the season.  The answer to that would be 'behind.'  I am not behind but the plants are due to the very cold early spring.  It is always a lottery of excatly when to plant out and by now I am usually hardening off my little plants ready to plant out.  I am no where near that stage but, over the years, I have learnt to go with the flow.  I have given everything a good water and a bit of tidy up and will leave the hardening off until I return from my week away.  Everything indoors is making the most of the longer days and pushing on quite well.

Inside plants

The good old borage still leads the way but the dwarf sunflowers are making a good fist of it too.  I love sunflowers because the flower heads are just so dramatic.  I grow dwarf varieties on the island becasue the tall ones can't cope with our winds.  The cosmos is also begining to look like they mean business and these are a staple of my summer bouquets.  The stocks are behind the rest but they will be so worth the wait.  I have given up worrying about my sweet peas busting to get out of their pots.  They will just have to live with it for now.  Life is tough sometimes. 

It is the little tomato plants that are so behind.  I think I will buy some plants in when I am away and make those my first crop and my own the second.  But on the whole everything inside looks good and as long as my family remember to water them when I am away I should be able to start hardening off on my return. 


In the polytunnel everything is behind as well and I have had more than my fair share of frost casualties despite fleecing the most vulnerable plants.  My lavenders have either done badly or really well which makes no sense.  I now have an official 'sick bay' for about 12 of them but I sense they think they are in the mortuary.  I think I will have to accept failure with these.  When I am back I am going to take some cuttings from the healthy ones and see where that gets me.  I have never had any success at growing lavender from seed so now I don't even try.  Typically, my alpine strawberries have done the best so far.  I see from Katy's blog she is planting her alpine strawberries out into raised beds.  Katy lives in Switzerland so what does that tell us about our spring in the UK?

My little darlings are fine in the tunnel for now but they do take up too much room to be there all season. 

Some will be sold, some will go in edible hanging baskets and some will be planted out.  Birds love them though so it is always a bit of a battle to get the fruit before they are pinched. 

The main crop strawberries have completed their die back stage and are now pushing on with new growth.  Well, most of them are as I may have some casualties there as well.  It is important to cut away all the die back growth so that the plant is not wasting energy trying to support that dying growth.  Sometimes you are not left with very much but fear not because that tiny bit of bright green will do you proud. 

The herbs are all at varying stages.  I have some that are absolutely top of the class and others that might need a little extra help.  The chives are storming on thanks to my radical hair cutting earlier in the year.  They will be due another one in May which always seems a shame but it is for the good of the plant as they will reward me with even more stunning growth including those wonderful flowers they burst open with. 

I need to get some more grit from the beach to support my rosemary and thyme as they like free draining soil and lots of sunshine.  Another job for when I am back.  I sense I am going to be a bit busy on my return so I had better make the most of my little break. 

I potted on some more dwarf sunflowers this morning and they only really filled half a tray with the individual pots and it is on the table beside me.  My cat is now in the other half of the tray!  Cats and small spaces. 

With my absence Max and George will be working without me for a week which is always so good for them.  They will be focusing on their spring journals and deciding which pieces of work to do when.  They never let me or themselves down and are always keen to update me when I am back. 

Harry completed his first day of his job trial and returns tomorrow for another day.  He is working with the most amazing man who runs his own niche horticultural business but he is also a chef.  Harry is our best grower and he is getting to use all those skills and that knowledge he has built up over many years.  It is hard physical labour but that suits him and I think this might work for him.  It will be a busy time during the season and then much quieter in the winter so he can pick up another level 3 diploma in nutrition and sport at that stage.  It does mean we need to charge on a bit with this current one but we are well through it so it shouldn't present a problem.  If this job works out for him it is a great opportunity for this stage in his life.  In due course Harry will probably leave the island but as a young man he needs a job on the island and this one seems to fit well.  I am still keeping everything crossed though. 

Molly is back in Lincoln after a very demanding field trip so she is exhausted.  I can guarantee you that student house will be cleaned within an inch of its life tomorrow in anticipation of my arrival!  She is so like her mother.  We are both looking forward to some serious girly time and it is a sign of the times that I have started visiting her....

I will be blogging while I am away and telling you all about the charms of the city of Lincoln.  The cathedral is my favourite place and it is so on the list!  I am taking work away with me to do when Molly is revising.  In fact my little bags has barely any clothes in it but does have tulle, wire cutters and beads!  I am also re-reading the book 'The Dalai Lama's book of transformation'.  This was the book that led me to the Buddhist path.  I had read lots of books before but this made the most sense to me.  I am re-reading it in case I have taken a wrong turn since my first reading of it!  I am prone to wandering off.

I do hope that your week ahead looks bright.  As I am heading further south I expect to find spring sunshine lurking round every corner. The plan is to propagate some and bring it back to Arran in time for my studio opening.  Good plan.

Until tomorrow. xx